June 14, 2019 was the day I said farewell to the man that loved me the most… My Dad. We all have to say goodbye to our loved ones at some point but that fact doesn’t make it hurt any less. I was completely unprepared for the phone call that would mean no more big hugs when my flight landed into Richmond, VA. I was at the nail salon in the middle of a fill in when my mother just came out with it, tearing like a band aid. Hearing that my dad passed away was so unreal, but imagining him slumped over at his desk unresponsive when they found him tears my heart out. For some reason my next emotion was anger that he literally worked himself to death like we all joked about when he was alive. If my dad had hated his job I would have never known because he was so devoted and always buried in work related matters even when he was at home. His only day off from work was Sunday which he spent mowing the lawn in the morning, then watching the football game while my sisters and I did laundry for the upcoming week.
My dad worked so hard to give us family vacations every year to Florida so it was like my second home. I moved to Florida 6 years ago after always feeling like a piece of me was left there when we would leave. Even though my trip to Key West was planned in advance, I felt so guilty for still going after hearing of my dads passing. The ounce of Gorilla Glue I smoked during my trip helped to block out any guilty emotions concerning my dad. After-all it was a birthday trip for my best friend from Virginia who invested a lot to be there. Despite my muted emotions, we had a great time exploring the most southern part of the United States.
I ordered a funeral approved dress and jacket from Pretty Little Thing that had arrived by the time I was back in Miami from my trip. My flight was set for the next morning and the anxiety of my dads death becoming so real made me want to just melt. I hate morning flights just as much as I hate flying spirit but it was the only direct flight that gave me enough time to get dressed and make it to the service on time. I remember staring at the man in the casket with a smirk on his face that looked like my dad. I just couldn’t accept that it was really happening. The moment that they closed his casket I started to cry because I knew if he were alive he would be suffocating from the tight seal. But not a movement…. My daddy’s really gone..
Hearing the honorary sound of Taps playing as a final salute for the bravery of my Dad comforted me. The last few of us remaining at his casket side took a memorial shot of his favorite drink, Black Russian. He was and forever will be my hero.It is now 3 months later after my dad has been buried and I still cry as if it were yesterday. I mourn for my father whenever I think of him and I still even call his phone to hear his voicemail. He was my biggest supporter through my personal screw ups. He knew when to be hard and show discipline, but he also knew when to be sensitive and forgiving. I’m so happy he was there for the most important parts of my life.My children will learn some of what my dad taught me…..
Table Manners, Respect for elders, and Showing kindness to everyone.
Since my obvious exposure on the internet, I have received more strangers who like to make their opinions matter to me… Nothing like a blank account with no followers being run by some miserable hag. I just feel sorry for their cowardly nature of hiding behind a profile they intentionally made for the purpose of trolling. Me personally, I hate completing a sign up form with my own information… So I’m not going to take the time to make a fake account. That’s honestly the first sign of being personally bothered to the point you want to keep communication but anonymously.
Checking my social media used to bring me Anxiety naturally when I would see the many notifications. I found myself trying to keep up with my account throughout the day to monitor any unwanted comments on my profile. Checking my inbox wasn’t too stressful since hate mail just ended with a swift block button. Of course some of these obsessed creatures have made new fake accounts with attempts to get a response. My most recent “trollers” are a bit confused because they aren’t sure how to offend me anymore.
Messages of Hate should only be received as love because the trolls are so extremely concerned for your life and they just want attention for expressing it. But I have learned not everything deserves a response… Attention is fuel.
What are some experiences you’ve had with social media trolls?
This is Suicide Awareness Month and so many at risk victims are silently dealing with their troubles. Everyone gets caught up in their own life problems that sometimes it’s easy to overlook someone else struggling. If you know of a friend or relative that has previously dealt with depression, mental trauma or even a major life change I highly encourage you to reach out. Do you know how much a phone call to let someone know they are on your mind and heart could truly affect their haunting thoughts? One of the major false thoughts of suicide victims is no one cares and the world is better without them in it. If you can even go further than a phone call to maybe visiting then that’s even better. True emotions are revealed in person that can sometimes be masked over the phone with a simple “I’m fine, Everything’s ok.”
I personally know someone who was a victim of suicide and outside looking in he was a happy man. Let’s take Robin Williams for example… It took millions of us by surprise to find out he hung himself in his California home. It was known he suffered from depression later in life and a mental illness that was the provoking factor of his demise. A man that made success from making the world laugh felt so alone in his last moments and we all wonder how it could have been avoided. The strongest people have moments of weakness too, but feel compelled to continue appearing strong. It’s hard to be transparent in this time when everyone flaunts material items as “Living Their Best Life” when in reality happiness is within.
If you are the one dealing with feelings of worthlessness and think the world is better off without you…. STOP! Think about the lives connected to you, think about all that you have accomplished and so much you have yet to do, think about the positive moments as much as you think of the negative moments and just BREATHE! Suicide is a permanent decision for such temporary emotions you can find a way to cope with. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a licensed professional who can guide you into better thought patterns to deal with future obstacles. Life isn’t easy, but it’s the struggles we persevere from that build our character and strengthen us. Just think of how strong you are to be where you’re at at this very moment. Don’t give up on yourself. You have the power to overcome anything with a healthier mind-state. Mental Health can make a strong man weak and a weak man strong. Suicide just rolls the problems over to those who remain with the many questions of why.
Love the mystery of this world we dwell in!… Love your life!… Love yourself!…
My first Social Media profile I made was at 11 years old when the platforms were in the raw stages. The accounts I remember having over the years were AOL Messenger, Myspace, Tagged, Bebo, Mocospace, Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter and finally Instagram. When I made my first Instagram account I was 18 and a lot of my peers were moving from Facebook to the then new platform. It was like immediately Instagram had so much influence over people and how they wanted to be viewed. I was pursuing modeling and fitness at the time so most of my content was selfies of my muscle “gains” and bikini photo shoots. I never considered myself as an Instagram model,but it appeared I was moving in that direction. A couple of years passed and I started reaping the benefits of my following due to exposure and just being invited to placed I never would have had access to before. Unfortunately the exposure has a negative side to it too called HATERS! After numerous reports on my postings I have had to start over 4 times after my profiles were deleted.
The definition of Insanity is what caused me to change up my content style on my new account. It’s exhausting losing photos, business connections and followers with each account so I’m praying that it never happens again. My content vision for my current profile is lifestyle blogger style. I plan to mix it up a bit with my content from fun trips, to restaurants that make my heart and tummy smile and any products or just experiences I feel are worth sharing with my followers. I hate being in a box, predictable as hell! I promise to be a wild child always, but within my social media guidelines 🙂
CENSORSHIP IS LAME SO THE BLACK GIRL NEXT DOOR MUST CHANGE!…
I always said I would NEVER abort a pregnancy, but I secretly ached to never be put in a position to “play God”; choosing if a being has life or not. In my earlier years of being sexually active I was using depo-provera birth control which had worked well for me. I happened to get into a relationship where we both agreed I wouldn’t take it anymore and let nature decide if it was my time to mother a child or not. Well that was 3 years ago and I never bothered to get back on birth control after being reacquainted with my bodies natural function of a monthly cycle again. I was practicing safe sex up until the wildest decision to take part in the Porn Industry practicing “safe” pre-tested sex, but still not protecting myself fully from the possibility of pregnancy. Behind the scenes I was participating in wild sexual ventures and never thinking twice about the what if’s, as long as my bi-weekly STD screenings kept coming back with negative results. Ironically I had never seen what a positive pregnancy test looked like until I was retired from my Adult Entertainment lifestyle and being courted by a guy I was involved with for a short period of time. There was moments of shock, disbelief then excitement the first day of my discovery. Eventually the pregnancy symptoms gave me my first wake up call of reality that a baby was really growing inside of me. Naturally I grew more excited with the positive feedback I received from my mom and sisters who thought that day would never come for me. Me being 25 and not 1 pregnancy in my family is unnatural considering majority of my cousins in my generation had already had their bundle of responsibility. Me? I was the wild child living a life of creative free will in Miami and not considering to slow down anytime soon. Well that heart beat I heard my 5th week confirmed I would be doing more than adjusting to life after Adult Entertainment & Now a mommy and me life… eck!
My many wavering thoughts of not being married and the possibility of being a single mom later, not having a steady career to provide the way that I had planned, and most of all my unstable mental state with my Fathers’ recent death lead me to my next decision… Terminating my Pregnancy!
Abortion Laws are regulated by each state so know your rights within your state. The following states are affected by the Heart-Beat Bill that bans abortions after 6-8 weeks (first sign of a fetal heart beat): Alabama, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Missouri, Mississippi and Ohio.
Florida allows abortions until the 24th week (3rd trimester) of pregnancy.
Planned Parenthood is nationally known for their abortions, although I’ve only ever visited for preventative care in the past. They were the first call I made, but they didn’t have any openings for another 12 days. I honestly didn’t want to deal with the constant nausea again for another week if I wasn’t planning to continue with my pregnancy. I made another call to a clinic in North Miami Beach that could get me in 3 days later, PERFECT! They asked if I would be completing the surgical or medical abortion and after doing my homework, the surgical procedure was the best fit for me. Aborting my first pregnancy was a hard decision on its own and I couldn’t bear the thought of completing my abortion at home with medicine. With the surgical procedure the cervix is widened with dilator rods,a tube is inserted into the womb and light suction is used to remove pregnant tissue through the tube. Generally a 10 minute procedure.
I was instructed to not eat or drink anything 12 hours before my appointment time which was set at 10:30am. I almost made it, but this darn dry cough I had in the middle of the night had me grabbing for that water bottle on my nightstand. I didn’t think it would hurt anything so of course I told the nurse “NO” when she asked at check in if I had anything the past 12 hours. I found a seat and filled out my medical information on a clipboard and silently chastised myself for getting into such a situation. The procedure plus office fees brought me to about $500 which my partner handled while I wandered back to my seat numb trying to imagine what my body would be experiencing in just moments. The nurse called on a lady that was waiting when I arrived and she disappeared, leaving just me and my partner and some action movie on Fx I grew agitated with in the background. Like who even picked this channel for the waiting room in the first place? 🥴 About 30 mins went by and the lady was returning to make a follow up appointment before exiting the building. Finally, my name was called in what felt like EVER and I was taken back for a urine sample where they used a stick pregnancy test to confirm the present HCG hormone level. I was then taken to the next step of getting my blood pressure recorded and finger pricked for blood samples. I waited a few minutes before being taken into the OB/GYN side of the office where I changed into my paper gown and waited for the doctor. He came in and conducted a trans-vaginal ultrasound which looks uncomfortable but much smaller than a baby’s head. My last image of the fetus was projected on a large screen, so I took a moment to get pictures of what I knew I would have a hard time forgiving myself for. The doctor and nurse left for a moment, then the nurse returned and escorted me to another room where the procedure would be taken place at. I took a deep breath as I got onto the table and allowed the nurse to strap my legs into stirrups to keep them open during the surgery. The IV for general anesthesia was placed into my arm and within seconds of it being hooked up I was off into La-La Land!
My first few memories was me throwing up on the side of the table and apologizing for the sip of water I had in the middle of the night. I deserved it! Once I was helped off of the table, I could feel the immediate pressure and pain in my uterus. I was placed into a big comfy leather chair with a heating pad over my stomach and a big throw blanket swallowing me up as I collapsed back into another nap. My sense of time was distorted, but I could definitely feel where my baby was no longer remaining. I was helped up from my slumber and instructed to pull the “tampon” out and use the maxi pad she was handing me. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong, but I didn’t even know a tampon could go as far from where I pulled it…. but then again other things fit so no comment…. When I returned from the restroom the nurse took my blood pressure 3 times before returning me to the desk to pick up Post-Op instructions and Amoxicillin medicine for infection. I checked the time as my partner helped me in the car and it was barely 12:30pm, just in time for lunch! That day I ordered my favorite food that my nausea would never let me enjoy, Salmon!
6 Day post Op: So I honestly learned what happens during the procedure after it happened to make it hurt less (I know, sounds dumb) so I wasn’t prepared for the amounts of bleeding involved the first 2 days. I have experienced clots here and there that concerned me at first til I learned it’s normal. Excessive bleeding is considered soaking 2 maxi pads in 1 hour, and I wasn’t experiencing that much heavy bleeding so I just had to deal with it. I couldn’t really walk long distances until the 3rd day and it actually caused more bleeding when I moved around, so I went back on bed rest. I purchased a heating pad to soothe the cramps I experienced and the tissue soreness on the left side of my stomach. When the tenderness subsided I did circular massages to help pass the uterine tissue. Today is my 6th day of recovery and I am experiencing little to no bleeding with some soreness on my left side, but I can now walk longer distances.
I take full responsibility for these extensive actions taken place due to my sexual negligence. I am currently doing my homework on the best birth control that suits my lifestyle habits. But I am grateful I now have a chance to get myself in order for the next chance of life expectancy. Every woman deserves rights to her own body and pregnancy.